it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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