i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
