I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
