Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
even my farts smell like vagina
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
