New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
