lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
