do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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