I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
