Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
