I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I faked an abortion last night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
