His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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