I just threw up on my dentist
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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