I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
