You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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