this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
