Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
