i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We're too hungover to prance.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
