and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
