Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
