the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
