Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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