So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
