It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You are a genius and a whore.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
