Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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