i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
