Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
