i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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