So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
