I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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