Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
