He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
