I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
