mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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