How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
