he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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