Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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