I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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