Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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