Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
