I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I want her autograph on my taint
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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