Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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