Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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