Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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