My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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