dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
