Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
