Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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