Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
