im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
