well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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