the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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