bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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