So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
